Consequential Thought Sequence

Update

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 04:16:11 GMT

Just got home from snow boarding at Kirkwood for a long weekend. It was fun... I finally got down the blasted bunny hill without falling. :)

Now, not feeling so hot. Physically, that is.

Lots and lots of work to do this week...I'm hoping to get a head start going into the rest of the year.
One more semester (and a summer, thank God) before college apps. I feel like my friends are
miles ahead of me in terms of "nailing down" a perfect looking resume, if you will. SAT scores
came out, and grades did too. I'm proud of my report card and I know I'll have to improve on the
SATs, but you know what bothers me? Hearing that my B in chemistry last semester was "Don't
even worry about it" from kids who'd be killing themselves if they got the same. Like what I can
achieve is "substandard". Psh. I used to have a pretty high view of myself until high school, I think.
Where if you're not taking 4 AP classes you're, "Fine don't worry about it". I'm ashamed to take
Physics regular next year, but I know it's going to be the best option for me. Isn't that sick? AP Stats
AP English, Honors Language, Honors music, DM... regular science. Tsk tsk, Mara Couch. Where did
you go wrong?

I'm sorry, fuck that. I wish school was more supportive, you know? That our dreams could be
a little more viable. That anything below Ivy League wasn't.... "Fine, don't worry about it". That
wanting to go to West Valley and get a degree in painting water colors with your teeth was great.
I wish I could take every person who looks at ME funny about grades and wipe their brains clean of the
victory they think they're holding over me. I only say that because it's kind of what I do. Oh, at least
I'm better off than ____. I'm no better or worse than ____. I am Mara... and I wish that was enough
to make me happy.  I'm not sleeping very well because I'm always thinking. I went to bed at 10 last
night and was rolling around 40 minutes later, head spinning with crap.

My mom wants to know what's realistic in terms of college. Honestly, I don't know. I was too
optimistic years ago, and now I think I'm too pessimistic about things. "It's all a great game of chance".
Fuck chance. I kind of wish they'd just tell me:

Harvard: No
UCLA: Probably

I lied. I think the truth would probably kill that bit of optimist in me.

Ack. Of all the things to worry about in the entire world, I'm wasting time about college. I'll find one.
I'm definitely going somewhere, and if I work hard enough, I can reach my ultimate goal no matter
where I wind up. SATs? APs? Common App? Kiss my grits, College Board. I'll be fine. They make
millions off freaking the crap out of kids. Buy our books to study! Take our test to get into college!
People fucking kill themselves because they feel they've failed society's expectations of success.
What kind of measurement is that? Every kid who gets a 2400 is going to be blissfully happy forever?
Heck no. Every kid who goes to West Valley won't be as happy as an Ivy grad? Heck no.  But isn't that
what you'd think?  I'm ready to pull my hair out.

It's Been a While

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:47:27 GMT

It's interesting how you can learn more about someone through websites like these than you would by talking to them in real life.

I don't think that it's due to lack of trying so much as lack of time...?

Sure, we all say "Hi" and "How are you?" to one another in the hallways, but has anyone else noticed that people don't stop walking during those brief moments of conversation? Half the time, I wind up shouting "I'm fine, thanks!" because the other person is already ten feet behind me. What would happen if we stopped, just for a minute? One of two things, the first being less pleasant: awkwardness. What else do you say after "Hi"? What if you HAD to stop every time you spoke to someone in the hallway? A mandatory 5 minutes, let's suppose. Could you realistically fill 5 minutes with good, solid words? Without wanting to run away?

The other viable outcome would be something akin to "healing", I believe. Sometimes, five minutes is all you need to say, "Wow, chemistry actually went well today, but I'm really worried about the final exam". Sometimes, all you need is a, "That's great. Just do the best you can, and I'm sure you'll be fine". I'm totally guilty of the "Hey!" and run. So wrapped up in my own business that I begin to go blind, in a sense. I must get to poetry. I must get to jazz band. I must try to finish my calculus hw during english and talk to someone about something that MUST... blah. Get the idea? Each day is "demanding", or so it feels. One false move and everything crumbles. I'm sure that goes the same for a lot of people. We all have so much riding on plates piled high with "MUSTs". No one wants to leave a trail of crumbs saying "look at what I dropped".

Personally, I need that outlet. Those people who stop to talk. Yes, I know passing isn't long enough to carry on a conversation. There are plenty of other opportunities though... lunch? No, I'm working. Break? No, I'm working. Now? After school? No, I'm making excuses because I want to run home and crawl into bed.

Want to know how I'm doing? (Other than "fine"?)

Tired. Busy. Poetry poetry poetry.
Still so much to do, but a lot is finished as well.
Finals... not super worried? Just chem, really.
And Bella. Good Lord, Bella.
SAT IIs this month. Reasoning in March.
I'm worried about those, most definitely.
Jazz I = work to do.
Winter Guard. Another MUST.
But I willingly chose those things... who am I to complain, right?
TGIF. Phewf.

I'm running out of steam now... it's kind of late, and tomorrow is a big study day.
Hopefully, a Pizookie too.

Yes, one day at a time is totally working out well... but I can't help missing you in advance.

Wed, 16 May 2007 05:23:12 GMT

19 days of school left.
I didn't think I'd be wanting it to end quite this much, but that just goes to show how life's funny, eh?

R in R practices are a pile of crap. We spent an hour marching on and off stage, while ammusing ourselves with "would you rather". On top of that, Sutton says the poems we don't pass by this weekend are not going in the books... SHIT. That would mean I need to miraculously pass 5 poems, two of which are only on draft two. In the words of Dilara, "BAH!". >[

We watched Schindler's list today in WH.
1. I have never seen so much nudity in a movie. Ever.
2. I have never seen so many people get shot point blank in the face. Ever.
It's mind boggling to think that all of the events portrayed in the film were based on reality. People were rounded up, stripped of their dignity, forced to work and then gassed just because they believed something other people didn't. Wtf? I can't fathom how someone gets to the point where they think the aforementioned is "right"...

Autumns and Springs
Will come and go, coaxing the
Wounds left by Cupid's bow
Into a patchwork of scars.

Yeah. Eat that for brunch.

So it's almost summer... Bustin' out the Relient K.
Still reminds me of BOA and everything from a year ago.
Change, I tell you! Friend or foe?

Fri, 11 May 2007 08:12:05 GMT

My mother was oddly accepting when I talked to her tonight and I realize that hiding all the shit I hid from her could have been dealt with much more effectively if I hadn't been stupid. My momma's not out to judge me, not there to point out my faults. So why did I decide to fall silent to the one person I've been able to trust with most everything for my entire life? Why did I fall silent to my friends? What a silly thing to hide, and to think! I could have been straightened out.

Thank you, God, for the people who would have straightened me out.

It doesn't matter what Billy thinks, or Suzie says.
Every day cannot be the best day ever, so I'll settle for "normal".
Running > Screaming.
Current mood: Apathetic (yeah, that's right.)

Poems are looking better (so I think) and I'm liking #9.
I really hope we can pull through and get our books done; It makes me sad to see Sutton giving up. (or is she?) I hope I'm not pissing her off, but if I am, we could have a "form" session. You know? Run around the quad and across the stage yelling "FORM THIS!", "FORM YOU!" and most importantly, "SHUT THE FORM UP!".
That would be interesting to participate in. =]

5 WEEKS LEFT! 5 WEEKS LEFT!
Then we're aaaalll used up!
Then we'll alllll be gone.
Then we'll alllll be fine again.

Bye bye.

What now?

Wed, 09 May 2007 03:35:54 GMT

Ha.
Dreams come true.

So I have 2 weeks to perfect 6 poems.
AHHHHHRRRRRRRGGG. Ms. Sutton hates them all.
I like them, doesn't that count?

I'm getting tired of my mother making me clean.
She says thing like "let's" fold the clothes.
She means "you" fold the clothes.
/do the dishes
/mop the floor
etc, etc.

I feel like I'm a human cannon ball, lodged in the cannon, waiting to be shot out at full speed. Will I crash, or will I fly?

I'm still hurt. =/
But hey, I found the right pick.

Dreams

Sat, 05 May 2007 19:50:11 GMT

So before I fell asleep last night, I made it a point to think about having a really good dream so that (maybe) I would actually have one.

Not so much.

My dreams last night consisted of:

1. Playing the lead in Ms. Sutton's Shakespearean play and not knowing any of my lines on opening night.

2. Learning that my Granddad, who in actuality passed away 3 years ago, was suffering from a disease that had reached its terminal phase. My family was seated around him in my grandma's living room and we realized we just had to wait for him to die. I was huddled face down in an armchair, screaming involuntarily.

3. Mending a relationship. (I woke up and was saddened that this specific part was in fact, a dream.)

4. Something about the ocean and a long car ride in my aunt's van. I was sitting in the back seat, waving at the people in the car next to us. Don't remember who they were, but I knew them in the dream.

That worked, didn't it?

Je cours

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 02:26:44 GMT

Three hurdles down, one rather large one to go.

Life is much too short to be afraid of things.

For the first time in a while, I feel like
writing something, but what is there to say?

SWE/Jazz II results come out this week and
DM tryouts are in a little over one week.
Alligator Alley... what? What does it matter?
There's really no use worrying. Life goes on.

I'm shutting off my brain; I'm removing that
puzzle piece with your name on it, putting it
in my pocket and hoping I won't forget to take
it out before laundry day. I love you very much.

I hope it stops raining soon. Water is a magnet
that makes my whispies rise from hibernation. Each
blondish curl frames my face in a circle of askew.

It's practically April. Can you believe life has
gone by so quickly?

I found a red blade of fake grass in my hair today
during poetry. =] Amazing how something so small can
remind me of so much.

All right. Here goes nothing!

Generalization

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 06:19:27 GMT

Life fluctuates from decent to varying shades of crappy.

My parents are supportive one minute and deal out ultimatum the next.
I lack drive in school. Sure, I do what I'm told, but each class seems
to be another 95 minutes of my life spent wasted, waiting for release.
In your eyes, I have faltered. I am less now than I was then.
I am unstoppable, yet I can't seem to do anything right.
I am disappointing. I am in repair.

Up at 6:30.
Out the door at 7:25.
Do your work.
Make the grade.
Be home again by 9 PM.

Get it done and you will be tolerated.
Alternate behavior will not be supported.

Blame it on the valley.
Blame it on the school.
Blame it on me.

Two more years of obedience until I'm gone,
Lost in a teenage stereotype.

Hrm..

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 07:54:58 GMT

Tech is oddly satisfying. Two parts standing around, one part hysterical laughter and eleven parts physical labor. I've learned how to hang stage lights, how to use a chop saw and screw gun, how to design and circuit stage lighting, how to balance weights from the loading gallery and how to use a backpack vacuum. The list goes on; freaking tiring, but good. If I'm feeling crappy, I can hammer the heck out of a set piece or load piles and piles of 4X4's onto the flat bed until I don't have the energy to feel crappy anymore. Tech is good for that; work yourself hard until the only thing you can feel is tired. I like it. =) That's why the activity is satisfying. Looking around the PAL, I can see what all my effort yields; Rapunzel's tower, the monster tree, the box booms, the cat walks. Everything is a physical reminder of, "Hey, I did this." =) Good Stuff. Nice people. Lots of fun.

I've recently been going through some mental filing cabinets, the contents of which cover life over this past year. I took a look at myself. Sounds cliche, but I really think I've grown quite a bit as a person. For example, I tried color guard and stuck with it. Band camp was hellish and I can remember thinking, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?!" I wanted to cry, to give up, to put the stupid stick away and cling to my saxophone... but I didn't. My parents used to tease me because when I was younger, if I couldn't do something well the first time, I wouldn't do it again. That was most certainly not the case with guard. I noobed it up for a good while until I started to grasp it later in the season. By no means was I perfect, but the friends I made, the skills I gained and the feeling of finals made the whole thing absolutely worth it. I didn't have a clue about what guard was like until I tried it, and let me just say for the record that it is probably one of the most challenging physical activities on campus. I think that's why I love it. It was by no means easy, but I did it. I guess that goes with most anything in life; you won't know what something is like until you try it. I wrote a poem that was butchered to death and I'm still standing. I squeaked during a solo, and am still alive. I've said the wrong thing, made the wrong choice, picked the wrong answer, had my mother scream in the front seat as I took the wrong turn, BUT BY GOD, I AM FINE. (!!)

I want to try a lot of things; I want to experience as much as I can from life, knowing full well that every day will not be "the best day ever". I want to see the sun set in the evening after days full of newness. Life isn't "how fast can I get through chem?"; life is most certainly a journey, over the course of which both good and crappy things will be experienced. I've had a swig or two of life's sourness and a pitcher full of lemons turned into lemonade. I've had glasses and glasses of happiness. Can't complain too much, can I?

The thing that worries me a little about life is that along the way, things can get lost. Love, hope, happiness. So abstract that I suppose at times, we can't really see them at all. I've loved in the past, hoped with both fingers crossed and have had moments of ridiculous joy. I love now, I hope now, I am happy NOW. What about tomorrow? Don't worry about tomorrow, kid. You'll be okay. Just remember when happiness gets lost, or hope takes a nap, or love needs time... life will go on and you will love and hope and be happy again, okay? Okay. The wait may be hard, but I'll get through smiling on the other side. =]

Yabber

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 05:59:46 GMT

The light emitted from the world at 4:00 PM on Thursday, January 18th, was some of the nicest light I have ever seen.

Sometimes light is fluorescent, making you look shitty while trying on clothes at Charlotte Russe that don't seem to fit quite right. Sometimes light is blinding, rendering every single child on 2nd grade picture day bleary eyed and squinty. Sometimes light is dim, similar the glow of a lap top up past its bedtime. Sometimes light is grey, defeated in its attempt to penetrate fat rain clouds. Sometimes light is sleepy, like the kind that settles on your living room furniture around two. Sometimes, light is harsh. The glare off sheet music at pancake breakfast, the sun setting behind the bleachers on Thursday nights. Sometimes, light is joyful. The fist fulls of beams that shoot through the crack of your bedroom curtain and say, "Haven't woken up to me in a while, have you?".

No, I haven't. I usually wake up in darkness.

Sometimes, light is like Thursday afternoon. Soft, gentle light that spills into the valley from the tops of the hills. Light that diffuses from the air to your lungs, floating within your body with every glorious inhalation. Light that makes you feel a sense of correctness in the world. Light that reminds, "You are right where you're supposed to be." Light that somehow, reminds you why you're alive.

Thursday light and Thursday sound.
Thursday look and Thursday touch.
Thursday taste.
Thursday was good.
*Thursday is good.
I will bottle Thursday and dab a bit of it behind my ears on special occasions.
I will sprinkle its essence on my toast at breakfast and sleep wrapped around its soul at night.

Sigh. Moments of peace.

Questions questions questions.
I've heard them all before.
Who are you?
Mara.
What do you want to be?
A doctor.
What can you do?
Quite a bit, and many things.
What do you know?
Not nearly enough.
College?
Yes.
What do you want out of life?
Lots and lots of Thursdays.

This feels like a free write.

My hands are like a scrapbook.
Calloused from jungle gyms and pencils.
Rough from flags and two-by-fours,
Dish washing and tug-of-war.
Scarred from asphalt and paper cuts.
Crooked from 11 years of writing.
Freckled from days at the beach,
Blue from my veins.
Bent since the discovery of knuckle cracking.
Wrinkly from the bathtub,
Mom's shape and dad's pinkies on loan.
Calloused, rough, scarred, crooked.
Ugly adjectives, beautiful hands?
My hands. I like them.
They fit so nicely in yours.

=]

On / Off Status

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 03:42:04 GMT

FOR THE GIRLS:
About guys: Turns you ON, OFF or DC (Don't care)

Is taller than you: on

Wears a grill: off

Dresses Gangsta: off

Dresses Preppy: off

Dresses Emo: off

Dresses like a Cowboy: off

Sense of humor: on

Cuts them self: off

Has green eyes: dc

Has blue eyes: dc

Has brown eyes: dc

Drinks alcohol: off

Wears glasses: dc

Smokes cigarettes: off

Smokes weed: way off

Plays sports: dc

Smiles a lot: on

Calls you just to say hi: on =)

Good dancer: on on

Wears jewelry: depends... earings? off. "Bling"? off.

Smiles when you walk in the room: on

Has dreads: off

Has straight hair: dc

Has brown hair: dc

Has Black hair: dc

Has blonde hair: dc

Has Red hair: dc

Plays guitar: on

Plays for you: on on =)

Gets you presents: on.. nothing excessive though. Presents are a mutual thing.

Plays drums: on

Has a tattoo: depends what it is and where it is

Has a lip ring: off

Has a tongue ring: really off

Nipples pierced: OFF!

Hugs you: definitely on

Goes to church: on

Kisses your neck: on

Laid back: on

For The Guys
About girls: Turns you ON, OFF or DC (Don't care)

Dresses like a grandma:

Has a nice ass:

Has big boobs:

Plays musical instrument:

Is shorter than you:

Has blue eyes:

Has green eyes:

Has brown eyes:

Has pretty eyes:

Has long hair:

Has med. hair:

Has short hair:

Drinks alcohol:

Smokes cigs:

Smokes weed:

Has blonde hair:

Has brown hair:

Has black hair:

Has red hair:

Has Natalie colored hair:

Works out:

Smiles:

Calls you just to say hi:

Creative:

Compliments you:

Shares her food with you:

Wears jewelry:

Has bigger feet then you:

Has smaller feet than you:

Smiles when you walk into the room:

gives you back massages:

Belly piercing:

Doesn't party:

Likes to party:

Wants to party:

Laughs a lot:

Funny:

Skinny:

Medium:

Thick:

Tattoos:

honest and open:

Goes to church:

Licks lips:

Hugs From Behind:

bakes for you:

The Aquatic Adventures of Oncemoreplease

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 03:08:02 GMT

HAPPY NEW YEAR... almost. =)

Went to the Monteray Bay aquarium today for the first time in about 6 years and it was AWESOME. I usually don't get excited about "family" outings because they involve 5 hour car trips: NOT TODAY, MY FRIENDS! NOT TODAY! Everyone, parents included but save Claire, was actually pretty jazzed about our excursion. (Claire has a cold so going anywhere pushes her angry face button.) In fact, my parents bought year- long passes so we can go back any time for "FREE". I totally want to take advantage of that so I can revisit all the sea beasts! So we got into the aquarium right before a daily "show" where a diver submerges himself in a tank full of leopard sharks/rock fish and HAND FEEDS the aforementioned fishies the equivalent of sushi. SO COOL. The diver, "Chuck", was pretty much surrounded by every occupant of the massive tank whilst handing out restaurant quality crab/squid from his super awesome diver bucket. He had sharks and "wolf headed eels" all up in his face and around his legs the whole time. I was scared for his fingers but thankfully, no fingers were lost in the feeding of those hungry sea creatures.

After Chuck, we kinda split up and viewed various smaller tanks full of jellyfish, prawns, sand dollars, octopus (not pi), star fish and sting rays. The most exciting tank, and by exciting I mean the one we spent the most time gawking into, was the one that housed the biggest of the sea beasts; the Blue Sharks and Groupers. Can I take this moment to say that before today, I had never seen a fish larger than my brother. I'm serious. I figured it out when Claire pointed one out and said:

"Hey! Look at the big fish!"
Me: Claire.. that's a shark.
Claire: AHHRG! I KNOW that's a shark! Look at the BIG FISH!

Pretending to believe her, I looked more closely and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... there was the big fish. By big, I'm talking a couple HUNDRED POUNDS of fish. A Grouper larger than my head and torso put together! That thing eats young adults like me for breakfast!! Then I got to see the sharks a bit closer and boy, those things were even bigger. The oddest thing about that whole experience was not realizing that I was the equivalent of shark chow, but more the realization that there were little fish in that tank with the massive ones. How does that work?? I mean seriously, the little fish would swim into the sharks without giving it a second thought... and the sharks didn't care, didn't move, didn't notice?! Those things must seriously be well fed to pass up snack time, eh? Thus, I felt better. =)

After my encounter with the big beasts, we went to see the penguins...

The penguins were not happy. At all.

They sat, looking depressed, floated, waddled and completely ignored my attempts to cheer them up. The smiles of tourists could do nothing to raise the spirits of these transplanted mammals. That part (and the occasional screaming/crying child) was really the only damper on my experience. Maybe it's that the fish really aren't smart enough to know that they're enclosed behind Plexiglas walls or possibly, it's just harder to tell if they're unhappy. Regardless, we left our sad faced friends in tuxedos and opted for the "touch pool" where hoards of little kids are actually allowed to poke at starfish and anemones... okay fine, so I poked too. (The starfish feel like sand paper and the anemones are pokey, just in case you were wondering.) Of course, there was a little sign that basically said "Please, only poke with one or two fingers"... hahahaha; right. I saw many a squirt physically pick up a bat star or piece of sea lettuce and either:
1. whack it against something else inside the pool or
2. drop it... genius, I tell you. Genius.

So after having thoroughly viewed and poked my way through most of the building, mom and dad decided it was time to eat. YAAAY.
Only problem was that they wanted to walk around and look at all the menus before choosing... they wanted us to be "jazzed" about the restaurant we ate at. Don't get me wrong; the previously stated is really quite generous and thoughtful, but at 1:00, I start not to care. I just wanna eat. So we found this place after a little while, "Louie Linguini's", and so I did my best to put on my "jazzed but secretly so hungry that I will eat my scarf" face. Thank goodness it worked.

After lunch, we walked around town and found a Gihardelli shop. OH EM GEE. <333333.
But wait, that's not all. We THEN found this massive candy shop at which point my parents both said "OOOOH! Let's go there!". Hee Hee.
That place was some craaazy business. Of course they had normal stuff, taffy/lolly pops/chocolate/jelly beans, but also had some... other stuff... like marshmallow hot dogs. I tried my best not to puke. To my surprise, my dad grabbed a basket and basically walked around grabbing handfuls of stuff out of barrels. =] It was nice to see him having fun; a 49 year old kid in a candy shop, I think.

Finally, mom decided that we were going to Carmel for a while, but we actually never found it... weird, eh? We drove for a good twenty minutes in what I assumed was the right direction, but never saw the turn off. We even drove BACK and there again and still, nothing. Needless to say, we went home.

So here I am now, in my room at the dawn of 2007. What a time to be alive.
2007; Seven years into the millennium. I still remember Y2K and how I never ACTUALLY made it to midnight. What can I say? I was nine. =P
I have a feeling this year's gonna be a good one.

So until school starts up again, party your face off (legally, of course), and thrive in these last few days of break.
It certainly has been a good one, in my opinion.

HAPPY HAPPY!
JOY JOY!
Bye bye, 2006.
Don't think I'll miss you... too much.

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:00:18 GMT

I went to bed last night at 2 AM.
I got up this morning at 6 AM.. on the dot.
I am officially eight years old =] (naps interfere with regular sleep patterns, I think.)

Christmas snuck up on me this year... it usually seems that I'm made to wait weeks and weeks for it's arrival, but for some reason it hasn't really hit me, not even today. The "SANTA SANTA SANTA!!!" business that kept me up for hours Christmas Eve has faded and I found that I, Mara Couch, could be patient whilst opening presents. No rush, no hurry, didn't ask for much. Why DO we get presents on Jesus' birthday? Why is it that this time of year is about family and togetherness and celebrating religion when my family isn't really into that stuff the other 364 days a year? I mean, mom teaches CCD, I'm a counselor at our church's annual summer camp, Kevin's taking all the steps to receive his first penance and communion and I'm sure he'll get confirmed Catholic too, just like I was and just like Claire will be. I don't like our church... neither does mom. Hmmmm. Mom made, yes MADE, all of us play Yahtzee this morning because we were in need of family bonding... so we played. Even though I really didn't want to participate at first, the game turned out to be fun after all. It just struck me that come January 3rd, we won't do stuff like this let alone eat dinner together. Dad will be working late, I'll be buried under finals stuff and the kids will hang out with mom watching movies and fall asleep on the couch. What does this mean? I dunno. Enjoy all this holiday cheesiness because it won't last nearly long enough? Thank the school district for realizing that Jesus was a freaking awesome guy and thus, giving us two weeks off to party up his birthday? My not-so-religious family can still find something special about today, even after being pelted with the over done media marketing of this season. Jesus' message may be lost under piles of wrapping paper, but maybe for us, it's found again around a coffee table during "family fun".

I'm praying that we all get through these next couple of weeks and are able to collect ourselves again second semester. I pray that as things settle down, we're able to follow our hearts, our paths, and enjoy those things and people that we truly love.

Well, thank you, God, for a pretty great "thus far", and for the ability to see down the road a little bit and realize that we will be all right.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.
Life's hard, but we'll be okay.
ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME.

[:)]

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 02:44:03 GMT

My goodness. It's almost December.

If only I could hang on for a moment longer.

I pretend I'm not kidding myself, and most days seem to work out just fine.
I pretend there's time enough for everything.
I pretend I've created super glue when what I've got is a paper clip.
I pretend I've found what I'm supposed to find and that it's not going away.
We pretend the same..
Or maybe that's just me, pretending again.

I know too much; reality already whispered her secrets into my ear.

Aaaiiiiyah.
Push toward the very best... and lose.
Shut up! Don't worry, be happy.
Smile, smile, smile.
Okay. [:)]

Mmm, smells like...

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 01:01:49 GMT

Oh, to be a lumberjack. No, really. I'm serious.

Secretly, (when I was little, of course) I had this plaid flannel dress that I really (REALLY) liked. It was this kind-of brownish/orangeish color and I can remember wearing it while admiring myself in front of the mirror in my parents' armour. One day, for some reason I'm happy to say I can't remember, I decided that I, Mara Couch, would be THE coolest kid ever if my plaid flannel dress would magically turn into a shirt. Not having much sense or a pair of scissors, I wore that dress under a pair of black jeans so that the "dress" part of the dress was tucked into the aforementioned pants around the waist line. I must have looked like I swallowed an inner tube, but at the time I was convinced that even though this ensemble was okay, to have the REAL thing, an ACTUAL lumberjack shirt paired with black denim, would be the highlight of my life...

Why bring this awkward fashion choice up now? Because today feels like Christmas.
...
Wait, lumberjack = Christmas? Yes.

Following family tradition, we drove up Big Basin early this morning to beat the rain and pick a tweeee! We found a really nice one almost immediately after getting out of the car, but the quickness of our find ALMOST killed the joy of darting around in the nose-numbing cold through acres of pine in attempt to find the PERFECT one; so that's what we did. After about half an hour of joy salvaging bliss, we decided that the first one we saw was indeed OUR tree. :) So after about ten minutes of sawing and goofy picture taking, we vanquished the tree and had it plopped on top of the snow beast. Now, it sits glowing and lovely in the living room. Unpacking ornaments and untangling a blinking monster of rainbow lights sparked this random little flame of happiness that's still burning within me. I can't wait to come home to pine tree smell for the next month. Yaaaayyy!

My parents have been car shopping lately and I secretly hope that my mom and dad trade in the Avalon. They've had me look around (on wheels and deals.com... oh baby.) and the two of them went down to the dealership just to look around and found this awesome Jaguar that's in really good shape for eight grand. Secretly, I'm really interested in a deep purple Scion tC coupe I saw on-line.. that's in Indiana. Oh well. Seems stupid of me to worry about it at all because most kids don't even get a car... here I am hoping that I get a Jaguar.. lame, much? The Avalon isn't bad and I turn 16 in about a week.. We'll see, I guess.

Hoooooo my goodness. Gotta work on that patch invention. ;)

Shocking

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 07:00:24 GMT

Hooo my goodness. This week has been odd in the sense that it pretty much sucked the life out of me. (Although I have to say, November 15th wasn't too bad :D)...

Juuuust got home from the last Thursday night band rehearsal and really can't quite believe that time has passed so fast. The last run we did was my personal best this season and I got such a good feeling from nailing all the things I was worried about[coughcough]theopener[cough..]. I'm glad today ended alright because it sure started out poorly... MY FACE WAS EATEN IN THREE TESTS. That's right; three. Yeah, yeah. Go cry me a river. I woke up this morning filled with a sense of dread and firmly resolved (whilst in the shower) to not let my worries get me down. Thhhaaaat lasted until about five minutes after I finished my trig test. UGH; I'm tired of getting frustrated because of stupid mistakes. World history was alright (just a scantron, thank goodness) and Chem was surprisingly not too bad, or so I think. Then during guard, I proceeded to whack myself in the FACE (yes, in the face) with my pole. Wwwhhhhat IS this?

Oh, college. So far away, yet dangerously close at the same time. End of the SECOND grading period is tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get straight A's = not good enough for my parents = limited activity outside of school and the studying hole in my bedroom. Pre med? Maybe. For now the most important things seem to be avoiding adverbs (and being verbose) in addition to memorizing lots of exciting hoo-hah for Chem and Trig. Sometimes I forget that I'm at school in the sense that I wake up every day to attend something my parents pay for that's supposed to "train" me for being an adult in the "real world". Better start remembering, I guess.

Sat-ur-day Sat-ur-day Sat-ur-day. I hope we make finals. I'm assuming we'd all like to think that two and a half months of ass-busting wasn't for nothing. =)

Helicase: [saves whales] <3
maaaaaaaaaybe. ;)

Lots of thoughts at eleven o'clock.
Gotta hang in there with more shower resolutions.
Sink in those pinkies and take it one day at a time.

Autumn is by far the best smelling season.

That is all :)

Good Gravy

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 07:22:37 GMT

It's interesting that how "good" a day is seems to fluctuate every three seconds.
Now, don't get me wrong. Today, in comparison to other days, was alrightish, save the fact that poetry beat me with a stick. Evidently, working on hw in a group constitutes "cheating". That's gonna be fun to deal with.

Four hours of guard tomorrow. WOO-SHA. (Secretly, my abs are quite sore on account of the 150 crunches we did yesterday.) Can't wait for lots of new and exciting things to run over and over (and over) again.

Do you ever find yourself saying something (or maybe not saying anything), and then two minutes later, you think of a different something that would have been better? Yeah, that happened a couple times today; missed moments... sigh.
Ah, well. Life's hard, so I'm told.

Had a good talk with my mom today about goals and fears and things. For the longest time I wanted to go pre med and now I find that I'm not so sure... it's a little scary not having a definite target to push toward at this point, but hey, I've got time. School is pretty challenging at the moment what with trying to balance everything (HA) on my plate, and to be honest, I'm worried that I might not be able to get straight A's... big whoop, eh? I dunno. Grades were a breeze back in the day which makes struggling for a "B" these days really frustrating...Doesn't get any easier from here. SATs and college apps are ninja stalking me just around the corner.. :)

I guess it just comes down to trying my best; I'd hate to look back on this five years from now and think "CRAP. If only I had tried harder."

Thank goodness for the kids who've got your back. <3

It's 11:17... make a wiiiiiiish!

Penultimate Failure

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 03:51:23 GMT

It's Wednesday again. How different they are these days compared to a year ago.

Poetry's kicking my butt and playing my saxophone feels like trying to play spaghetti; yeah, not so much.

Had a chem and english test on Monday that I know I bombed, but for some reason I didn't freak out all that much... why? Have I become immune to mediocrity? Hope nooooot. They tell me that this year counts, and to be honest, It scares me a little bit. "You're only a sophomore!" they tell me. What am I supposed to be worried about? Penultimate failure, that's what.

I'm bummed about missing Logan because I'd secretly rather be in body tights than burgundy taffeta.
Foothill was pretty awful all around but we still swept it. That's right; guard tied for first place. WHHHHHAT?!?
Judges must have been blown away by our snakes and awesome visual skills, completely disregarding the fact that half of us didn't get up on time. :) heh. Life can be funny like that.

Good gravy. That leaves finals, doesn't it? I think we have a shot this year at actually making them.. we can't have been pushed this hard and worked our behinds off like a freaking corps for nothing, right? Fresno should be interesting, to say the least.

We'll seeeeeeeeeee... :)